The Worst of 2011...
By J.C. Maçek III
The Two-Thousand Eleven Year-End Retrospective continues with article... Number Two!
Our Last article of 2011 detailed just how gosh-darned great, neat-o, spiffy, groovy and the Year of our Lord "Twenty Eleven" really was in so many wistful, winning ways (if you haven't read it, do so... Number 10 features two women kissing). However, other aspects of 2011 not only sucked like a steam-punk powered Electrolux, but actually managed to come off as worse ideas than a superhero comic book featuring an uber-powerful Amy Carter!
In a world in which every single conservative in America is being given their shot at the title of "2012 Republican Frontrunner" and Jay Fucking Leno still has a job, I'm convinced we're either already in Hell or, per chance The Matrix!
We'll save the Surreal for our next article of madness... for now, let's take a look at pissed upon legacies, insane erstwhile stars, the conniving jackassery of once-wise web streaming sites, sequels that should never have been made and politicians who are the dictionary definition of "totally fucked"
2011 wasn't the year that drove me to drink... hell, 2011 drove me to SOBRIETY, man... I had to escape the haze of ill-advised insanity by actually AVOIDING inebriation. Sound like much "Ado" about not-a-damned-thing? Well, we no longer DO... ADO... so let's dive fully formed into the blood lake known as "The Worst of 2011"!!!
1. DC's "New 52":
And while Marvel has been giving DC A Shellacking in the movie houses these days, DC and parent company Warner Bros. countered with something along the lines of "Oh yeah? Well we can start sucking worse in the Comic Books, too!"
Now there's a Brave and Bold move if I've ever smelled one.
To be both fair and honest, I'm am still a huge DC fan and (Yeah, I'm a Nerd) an expert in their various histories (on and off the page). Yeah, they've done this reboot and retcon thing before. What comic book company hasn't, man? In fact, DC has erased and re-written their own history so many times that they have literally had a multitude of continuities, requiring now-classic sagas like Crisis on Infinite Earths just to straighten it all out!
Publicity stunts, all? Sure. And the marketing has worked, keeping DC at the forefront of the best of the world of Comics. This time, however, in a shameless marketing stunt they're calling "The New 52"... DC comics is finally doing lasting damage to their very legacy and decades upon decades of built sagas.
So what is this whacked out mistake? In short, this is the revamp and relaunch of their entire line of monthly titles... each one starting over with Issue number One and, more often than not, a clean slate with which to build brand new stories unencumbered by such ridiculous considerations as "continuity".
What's the big deal? Well, let's start with the most obvious and damaging insult of all of this... the two oldest continually published comic books on the market have now started over with issue #1!
Look, I don't care if you hate comic books, it's hard to believe you haven't at least HEARD of Action Comics, the first issue of which (featuring the first EVER Superhero) recently sold at auction for a Cool Million Bucks! Earlier in 2011 Action had just surpassed the incredibly unprecedented 900th issue! At the end of 2011, the new 52's Action was at issue #4.
How about Detective Comics, whose 27th issue (featuring the first appearance of Batman) recently sold for $1,075,00.00! As of August, 2011 eight hundred eighty-one issues of Detective Comics had been published. In December of 2011, once again, we just got the joys of issue #4.
Why? Money. There's nothing like a "new jumping on point" to get new readers (and curious also-rans) to fork over their silly sums of green for the gridded page. I get it, kids... how often can we get issue #1 of such a famous title? Apparently about twice in 80 years. And, guess what? It's working for them! People are buying the comics faster than the shop-keeps can order reprints and stock the shelves. It's been a great marketing move...
But what about the fantastic long runs of Detective Comics (which gave DC its company name for fuck's sake) and Action Comics, not to mention the monthlies like Superman and Batman (and many, many more)? The amazing and fabled milestone of issue #1000 will not be achieved by these titles any time soon. Eight years from now, all of "the New 52" (that isn't canceled after the initial and atypical surge) will have only reached issue #100. And after the initial hype and surge... will it have even been worth it?
Sure you have your money now, but you're alienating more old fans than you're winning new ones with this slap-in-the-wallet.
Of course... this might all be forgivable if the comics were blowing us away... but they're really... just... not. Every slice of this Fiasco feels like a forced and trendy effort to prove that DC Comics are still cool. It's like your dad showing up at one of your parties and break-dancing to prove to all of your friends that he's still got it... You once actually thought you had a cool dad until he tried to prove it... now you just want to hide.
Before I get into the actual list of DC Travesties, let me point out that the corn-ball executives at the once greatest comic company in history are claiming that this complete renumbering doesn't count as a "Full Reboot", but a "Soft Reboot"... which is their wussy-ass way of saying "If we feel like keeping it, it's in, if not, it's out." Weak ass, non-committal douche bags.
Check out the ramifications in this "Soft Reboot":
And for those of you still dazed by the transformation of an E.T. Angel into a K.Y. Sex Doll, rest assured... this probably has nothing to do with the fact that DC's slate of creators features almost no women at all. Yeah, it may be a male dominated medium, but prior to this joke of a Soft Reboot, 12% of the creators were women. Now? 1%!
The suckitude list goes on and on with the New 52... but the good news is, they can turn this crap around and get out from under the idiotic and insulting continuity changes they've squirted out onto "Hey Kids! Comics!" racks worldwide... but how are they going to ever get past the ass-wiping they did with the venerable titles of Detective and Action?
Well, chin up, Comics Fans... the Fabled and once soon-to-be 1000th issues of both of these once long-lived and storied titles may still happen... in another 83 years.
Way to burn your legacy in the name of a quick buck, DC. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Fuck you!
2. The great Netflix/ Qwikster fiasco of 2011:
What... A... Guy!!!
Hastings is like that one boss who says "Don't you think it would be great if you were to work for a new manager who has had the best training in the business?" just before moving you under a guy you trained last year. Or that one time your dad gave you a big smile and said "Guess what? We're fresh out of Ice Cream but we do have some leftover Asparagus Spears you can have for dessert instead! Yummy, Yummy!"
Yes, folks, there are some things you just can't sugar coat and convince even the most gullible of people that it's all "Great News!" Things like... charging more money for less service and convenience.
Reed-The-Steed's plan for saying "You know what? Fuck our loyal customers, man!" began back in June of this year with a surprise Price Hike. Dick move? Sure... sort of... but, hell, he's got a company to run, right-o? Sure thing, man, I get that. It sucks, but that's business. Thing is, Reedy just sort of slapped it on his customers with a big "Choose a new plan or pay through the dick!" model. What's that mean? Well, you get less DVDs by mail to go with your streaming options for a price increase of something like sixty percent.
The brilliant plan to increase revenues led to a massive exodus of customers and a reduction in Netflix stock... not to mention a fuckload of anger amongst those loyal enough to stay the course.
But you see, Reed Hastings is such a NICE guy who is so in TOUCH with his INNER Child that he kept his favorite finger (clearly "the Bird") planted firmly on the pulse of his customers and over two months after he threw the pie in our faces he decided to offer what he called "An Explanation and Some Reflections"!
Here's where an insult becomes an absolute laugh riot.
In this ridiculous email the Reedster began with the words "I messed up." (no shit)... then began to extol all the virtues of Netflix and how very much he does (and we should) love everything about his super-fantastic company... and then discusses in GREAT detail just how he's going to change all of those things he does (and we should) love and fuck it ALL UP now!
He claims that his big mistake was not telling us just WHY the charges were raised and separated (while adding in "It wouldn’t have changed the price increase").
Why did the price get raised? Because he's got GREAT news... Netflix isn't going to do DVDs by mail anymore, instead spinning that part of the business off into something completely different called "Qwikster"... which sounds a lot like a something affiliated with Amway!
Don't worry, though, this Qwikster thing is GREAT! Even Reed who loves (as should we) his company thinks so! Or does he? As his ass put it "A negative of the renaming and separation is that the Qwikster.com and Netflix.com websites will not be integrated." Oh, wait, what? The one reason we all haven't jumped ship to Amazon.com's Prime Streaming Video service and Blockbuster's DVD by mail service, the amazing Queue, is now out the window! Cool! Plus, as another great bonus, Reed promises that "you will have two entries on your credit card statement, one for Qwikster and one for Netflix"... hey, that sounds an entire ass load more convenient, Hasty Hastings!
Any MORE great fucking news? "There are no pricing changes (we’re done with that!)." wow, that one almost sounds good... after you've half-again increased your fees, that is! Any more sources of Joy??? "The new envelope is still that lovely red"? Now that... IS... fantastic. How could I sleep at night if I had to face a different colored envelope in the morning. Reed you are a real prince, sir!
Oh, and... "Other improvements will follow." Wait... OTHER? What improvements have we gotten so far? The whole thing feels like an apology for bad ideas spoken in joyful tones in the hopes that all of his customers are mentally retarded. That should improve things.
At the time of this writing, Reed and his Netflix cronies have abandoned both the Qwikster idea AND the idea of separating the services... not because they're all such super keen guys... but because these were fucking horrible ideas to begin with. Horrible, horrible, horrible ideas, no matter what tone of voice you deliver them in. Yeah, more customers jumped ship... and continue to.
Far be it from me to condone such action... but for those of you considering it... Amazon Prime's streaming video service works out to less than half of a really good Netflix subscription... and is still 20 bucks a year cheaper than Netflix's least expensive plan! Just sayin'... Just... sayin'!!!
3. The Republican Party's cast of hilarous 2012 Presidential Hopefuls:
Interestingly enough, the GOP worked so very hard to prove that they are, in fact, the "Government of the People" that each and every American Citizen was named "The Republican Frontrunner" at least once during the year of 2011. Naturally, it came as a surprise to Left Wingers such as myself to discover our names at the tops of that demonic list, but, hell... we all got our names in the paper, right?
Who even needs to write comedy anymore with goobers like these in the news, man? I could write an entire WTF article on Herman Cain's shenanigans ALONE!
Actually, looking at the GOP Follies this year, I have to wonder if there aren't a few Democrats occupying the higher places in the Republican National Convention's upper echelon. I mean, would you really run THESE clowns if you didn't want Obama to win in 2012?
Let's start with the, dare I use the expression, ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM! Almost every one of these douche bags is a complete and total loser that you'd quickly walk away from if they asked you for change.
Blindfolded, I throw a dart backwards over my shoulder and it winds up in the portrait of... Former Gubernatorial Goober Mitt Romney! Here's a man who has run for Public Office FOUR TIMES and has won ONCE. Oh, yeah, he was Governor of Massachusetts. He won that... and spent most of his time in office preparing to run for President in 2008... which he's doing again because it worked out so well for the man. No, he's not in office now. Mr. Experience has been taking more time off to run for President.
In a surreal twist worthy of a Political Intrigue novel, disgraced former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich is among the frontrunners from this year. Gingrich famously resigned from his post after the backlash against the Republicans in which Gingrich was one of the loudest voices condemning President Bill Clinton's extramarital affair(s) while in office. By the way, at that time, Newt was cheating on his wife... while in office. At the time of this writing it's been over twelve years since Gingrich has held any sort of Public Office. While, I'll agree that this is just about long enough for the American People to forget what a douche he was, it doesn't say a whole hell of a lot about his experience or dedication.
I could write an entire article on the insanity of the Herman Cain campaign alone. Good Lord. I haven't seen political ads this hilarious and obtuse since the last time Saturday Night Live produced a spoof of Political ads. And Cain was SERIOUS, he wasn't kidding. That was his campaign. More later on that. Unlike Romney and Gingrich, who spent years saying "fuck any office but the Presidency", Cain has never held public office, devoting his time instead to bastardizing killer John Lennon songs in the name of chains of food restaurants he's been running. What brought this former unfailing frontrunner down? Accusations that he, you guessed it, cheated on his wife... or tried to. But don't go blaming the whistle-blowers here. One of them swears she's actually a Herman Cain supporter and only brought her story to light so he could refute it. Say... say what, now? And so ends the Cain Mutiny!
Ah, yes... Rick Santorum who doesn't seem like such a bad guy when you realize that Bono gives him high praise for his anti-poverty work. Yeah... yeah... and he's also against the separation of Church and State, opposes the right to Privacy, thinks Global Warming is "Junk Science", equates Homosexuality with child molestation and bestiality and is an asshole. Santorum also hasn't held public office since he was VOTED OUT Of his Senate seat in 2006. Where's the logic here, man? "Well, I can't win as a Senator, how about I run the whole country?" Didn't David Fucking Duke say that too, you dick?
Speaking of Anti-Gay Crusaders, Michele Bachmann is one of those interesting people who not only believes that Homosexuality can be "cured" in a process that CONVERTS Gays into Straights, but also benefits financially form this practice, as her husband runs a Christian Counseling organization that specializes in this very thing! Hell, it's rumored that Marcus Bachmann is not only the President of Bachmann & Associates, but ALSO A CLIENT! Geez! Naturally, she's in favor of that constitutional amendment against Gay Marriage and wants Creationism taught in schools. Sound like a Conservative's wet dream? Maybe so... considering the fact that she is the latest in a string of Politicians who say that GOD Himself told them to run. Amazingly, Bachmann is the first on our list to actually currently hold Public Office (she's held her current position since right about the time Santorum lost his). She also owes her soul to the Tea Party. Vote carefully!
This brings us to Ron Paul, AKA: The Right's version of Dennis Kucinich. Paul also currently holds a seat in the US House of Representatives and just may be the closest thing the GOP currently has to someone who is not a raving lunatic. This guy is definitely not a Tea Partier. He's anti-war, anti-Fed, anti-Death Penalty, anti-War On Drugs and is anti-Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Some of this is surprising, seeing as how he once wrote that society was better off with Homosexuals in the closet. This was in the same newsletter that he claimed that 95% of urban black males are criminals and referred to Martin Luther King as a pedophile and liar. But wait, wait, wait... where's my proof that he actually wrote these things, man? These were just words in a Newsletter, right? Yeah... The Ron Paul Newsletter... clearly a giant in the progressive press.
Paul's from Texas, where I was born... and I assure you that he's not the worst (or the best) of Texas Politicians. Who is worse? How about smilin' Governor Rick Perry. Perry was George W. Bush's Lieutenant Governor and comes off as a slightly less articulate version of his "Mentor". Leaving out his Controversies about race issues (his family leases a hunting camp called "Niggerhead"... or it was, until he started running for office, that is), let's look at how great he did in debates. He had a list of only three Government Agencies to remember calling for the shut-down of... and he couldn't make it through the whole list. He couldn't answer certain point-blank questions (such as describing things he might do if he were elected, you know, Leader of the Free World) and was eventually asked if he had suffered a stroke during the debates. Does this mean he'd make a bad President? Well, not this ALONE... but look him up. The man is an ass. Proponents will tell you Perry is the longest continually serving Governor currently in office. Realists will inform you that he actually just took early retirement!
Last, but... somewhat more tolerable... in a relative sense... is Jon Huntsman who, like many of the other clowns on this list, quit his job in order to run for President. Yes, he had to turn in his resignation to his Boss in order to run against the President of the United States. Interestingly enough, his Boss at the time happened to BE the President of the United States, Barack Obama, whom Huntsman must have been dreaming of debating. Unfortunately, the GOP thinks he's a traitor for serving under Barack Obama as Ambassador to China, while Barack supporters think he's a traitor for attempting to run against Barack after working for him for a little while. Am I the only one reminded of The Simpsons episode where quit his job by playing Bongos on Mr. Burns' head and then declaring "That's for Employing Me for eight Years!"? Hell... Huntsman only lasted a year and a half!
And that's the Republican Slate as the Primaries close in. If Barack loses to these guys, it's proof we're living in The Matrix!!!
4. Charlie Sheen loses his Luster (and goes batshit insane) :
And to think that all this time, we just thought he was a DOUCHE!
I will say that it does take SOME form of magic to do what, up until this year, I was sure was impossible... making porn star Bree Olson appear unattractive... simply by association with Sheen.
After being fired from the snooze-worthy and chronically repetitive "sitcom" Two and a Half Men, the "fire breathing fist" bearing Charlie Sheen viciously attacked his replacement Ashton Kutcher for stepping into the sitcom Sheen helped build (and almost killed). This makes sense, of course, seeing as how Sheen would NEVER stoop so low. I mean just imagine Charlie Sheen being a washed up movie actor stepping into the starring role of an established sitcom to replace that show's former star. I mean, just IMAGINE if Sheen had... oh, I don't know... redeemed his failed career by replacing Michael J. Fox on the sitcom Spin City! He did that, by the way.
Between that time and the point at which Sheen stopped wearing Tuxedoes because his chest and biceps became too big (albeit invisibly), Sheen went more than a little Fuck-Wit, drunk on his success on Two and a Half Men... and Drunk on just about everything else he could get his hairy little paws on. That may be putting it too lightly... the man made Robert Downey, Jr.'s substance abuse issues look like a brief, occasional experimentation.
Holy fucking shit, man! The man went on a drug binge that could kill an elephant with his kids in the next room.
The good news is that he cured his addiction, and I quote, "with my mind." Somewhere out there, Bill W. rolled over in his grave. He went on to state "I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen!" Yeah? Could you maybe cure that too? PLEASE???
But enough about his well-documented drug use and denial of any problems... the guy is pathetic, that's no reason to hate the man is it? No. Here are a few other reasons (besides his incredibly obnoxious catch line "Winning!") to hate him. He's a chronic spousal abuser, getting violent with his last two wives, being arrested for it and having his kids taken away. But is he ready to fight to get them back? According to Sheen "Born Ready. Winning." Ironically, that's exactly what a Loser would say! Fucker served time for that, too. But that was years ago, right? Yeah? How about his "current" "goddesses", Bree Olson and Natalie Kenly? 2011 marked the year where they both left his wrinkled ass.
He's also been vocal in not believing the story behind the September 11th Terrorist Attacks and has openly stated that he believes the United States Government might have been responsible for the attacks. Yeah, that doesn't sound like a crazy-ass conspiracy theory at all, man.
What are you in here for? "DRUGS!"
So... yeah... "Winning!" Douche!
5. Documentaries that have virtually NOTHING to do with their purported subject matter:
Look, I realize this isn't anything all that new! To Kill a Mockingbird advanced my murder-murdering techniques absolutely 0%, Sex Wax is actually something for Surfboards, Crystal Pepsi contains no Methamphetamines, There will be Blood was about Oil and do-ho-hon't get me started on GRAPE NUTS, man!
But we expect a little more from Documentaries... as well we should. They are, after all, DOCUMENTARIES, aren't they? And, look, I'm not talking about just clever titles, either... I totally get the appropriateness of Waiting for Superman (not about waiting for Superman) and Fahrenheit 9/11 (not a more intense sequel to the book-burning novel).
No, in recent years we've gotten Documentaries like Cropsey that starts to describe the Urban Legend surrounding a Serial Killer that has spawned films of its own right, but is instead about one actual criminal who... lived in the area the decades-old legend took place in. Then there's Eyes of the Mothman which, in its defense, has more to do about the Mothman legend than Cropsey has to do with Cropsey, but fills out its unnecessarily long running time with full-length-in-their-own-right documentaries about Native American Chiefs and completely unrelated legends, not to mention nerds with no lives. More recently I Am is actually a documentary about the director of Ace Ventura giving away a lot of his possessions and moving to a slightly less posh neighborhood so that he can make a documentary about it. And, really, people... The Smartest Guys in the Room would not have gotten caught and died in fucking Prison, okay?
The boom of Streaming Video has made many of these films available to a wider audience for the first time... especially those who would click on their Netfux queue expecting a documentary about Peanut Butter and getting a history of the Long Playing Record Needle. There's no end in sight, man... 2012 marks the release of West of Memphis, which is a film about Arkansas.
So, let's at least thank the UNIVERSE for The Big One (which actually features Michael Moore on the cover), March of the Penguins (which details flightless aquatic water fowls walking around), Man on Wire (about a man on a wire), Anvil: The Story of Anvil (the story of Anvil), Woodstock (about some concert some time) and 2011's VERY own... African Cats (which, it might surprise you and everyone you know, to discover is about actual cats who are native to the continent of Africa).
6. The Roommate (2011):
Apparently you get the fucking Roommate!
(And, perhaps, Chlamydia.)
Seriously, this could have been the hottest thing since the bathing scene from Clash of the Titans, coupled with the Terror of Se7en and the suspense of The Crazies! Instead, we get a shower scene with no nudity, "disturbing" conversations about where a roommate happened to be on any given night, snooze-worthy dramatic scenes, lesbian sexual innuendo that remains (somehow) in the PG realm and an ending you can see coming easier than a wall of Japanese Porn actors on a subway train.
And not a SINGLE scene of spanking... in a movie called... The Roommate!
The Roommate did what I might have thought would take a Charlie Sheen to do... make the notion of living in close quarters with panty-clad Leighton Meester seem like a less-than-attractive proposition! Damn it. I no longer resent living with my little barky asshole puppy Jack!
Yawn... with all of the scares of Disney's Prom, The Roommate was a waste of the meager potential it had to offer... but the frustration that this movie spawned did cause a spike in purchases (and illegal downloads) of the Kelly the Coed series of Porn Flicks.
Oh, speaking of which, since Bree left, Charlie Sheen is now "Taking Applications". Leighton, Kelly... You might want to... FLEE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
7. Jay Leno... AGAIN!!!:
You got it... and still NBC hasn't moved to rectify this mistake, remaining the NUMBER FOUR Network out of Five major broadcast networks and leaving that idiot Jay Leno as the host of The Tonight Show!
That's right... "The Peacock" is still the FOURTH ranked American Commercial Broadcasting Television Network, besting only The CW in the ratings. That, of course, is nothing new.
For those of you who need a refresher course about the 2010 Latenight TV Debacle... Jay Leno left The Tonight Show after years of planning, giving the show to his worthy successor Conan O'Brien. Then, the little whiner stayed on at NBC for the well-publicized horrible bugfuck mistake of an idea known as The Jay Leno Show. This entailed replacing all of their 10 PM drama shows with what was, essentially, the exact same stale-old bits whined out by a sixty-year-old has-been that Leno had faux-left behind with The Tonight Show.
Need I bother telling you the show was a complete failure? I need not. It's an incredibly obvious pre-fail. This underwatched show caused a massive drop off of viewership for the local news, which caused a terrible lead-in for The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. So what did the idiots at NBC do? They canceled the horrible Jay Leno Show, but still blamed Conan, illogically for this failure (in spite of the fact that he was STILL winning in the most lucrative age groups), fired Conan and gave Jay Leno his job back. Really.
He was rewarded for failing miserably and bringing the ratings of other shows down with him. Rewarded... for Failure. Really.
That's like firing the Fry Cook for not making enough fries, then promoting the Potato slicer who didn't supply enough potatoes to fry to head Fry Cook! Any wonder that NBC is still number four? Dude, with decisions like that, I'm stunned they're still beating the CW, man!
Yeah, yeah, yeah... he still sucks as host and hasn't been more than the tiniest bit funny in years, while Conan's new show Conan (2010) is actually pretty damned good. Old news. What's Leno done lately?
I mean, he did tell Michelle Bachmann that he disagreed with her about reprogramming homosexuals, right? Yeah. Real Brave. Well, in 2011, aside from still sucking total ass, Leno did incur an anti-defamation lawsuit against himself and NBC from a group of Sikhs. What for? Showing a picture the Sikh religion's most holy gathering place, The Golden Temple, and stating that it was Mitt Romney's vacation home.
Yeah. And he thought that was funny.
What's the big deal about taking a holy site and implying a robotic Republican dick-brain lives there? Well, to put it in perspective, this would be much akin to implying that The Vatican was being currently presided over by Emperor Palpatine or, perhaps, referring to Mecca, Medina and Jerusalem as "The Three Stooges"!
Still don't get it? Well, it was enough to earn a lawsuit. The point is, Leno figured "Who cares if I offend THESE people?" The point is... Lay Jeno is incredibly unfunny... and is a total and complete dick.
Meanwhile... watch Conan... it's way better. You suck, Jay! Enjoy last place, NBC... you've more than earned it!
8. Sucker Punch, Man of Steel and all things Zack Snyder:
That’s right… Ass! Erotically beautiful women with incredibly bodies simply poured into Skin Tight Rubber that leaves almost as much to the imagination as a full body exam might… and incredibly pretty faces covered in makeup that you just want to think of creative (and potentially unlawful) ways to SMEAR! Yes, Yes, folks, we’re talkin’ BON!
And they work their amazing physiques into such incredibly contorted poses and do such amazing things… but all I can think about is ‘OH MY GOD SHE’S HOT!’
It’s as if half the moves are designed to say ‘Hey, bet you’ve never seen an ass like THIS before!’
And I haven’t… I haven’t! Whoa!
I think there were even some men in the show, but… ah, who cares? French Fat Guys making fart sounds and acting out silly slapstick sketches. Bring back the Ladies!
But here’s the thing… there is an amazing artistry and talent behind every move they make. Everything is so precisely timed and perfectly organized that each deliberate action is incredibly intellectually stimulating, emotionally awe-inspiring and technically mind-blowing.
Zack Snyder films on the other hand…
This guy seems to get the ‘ASS’ Aspect of this whole thing, but completely misses the point of the technical, emotional and intellectual. Watching one of his movies is like watching a silly attempt at a filmic Cirque Du Soleil, with more distracting, beautiful female bodies than you could ever thank GOD for, but none of the skill, brilliance or thrills of the Cirque shows… He even has CGI fill in for TALENT here, ensuring that a half-page of script can be stretched across ten minutes of film with zero-to-minimum work on his part, minimum to moderate work on the part of the actresses and maximum contributions from the CGI department.
Let’s look at his filmography here. Snyder’s big break came with the remake of Dawn of the Dead, which he did everything in his power to make ‘Substance Free’. This led to the comic book adaptation 300 which has the approximate feel and weight of watching someone else play a video game designed by Gay Porn imagineers. This, in turn, led, somehow, to the adaptation of Watchmen… from the graphic novel that was SO well written, his direction and writing should have been done for him… but he decided to go ahead and change the ending and work in all kinds of changes to ensure that the astute viewer realized he had NO idea what the hell he was directing. Then of course, there was the Owls movie… completely animated, which means he was at least, completely honest this time. I sort of imagine him walking in two days a week from 10 AM to, say, 1 PM and saying shit like ‘Okay, in this scene, how about the Owls face each other when they talk… and in this one they should be flying? You got that? I’m a director. Good night.’
And then, in 2011, we got Sucker Punch… which seems to follow the following formula: Take all the cool, individualized ideas from movies Snyder liked when he was a kid, put a sexy actress in a fantasy scene, throw in more up-skirt shots than a reality porn site, reenact Snyder’s favorite video games, blurt out dialogue straight out of a lesser Power Rangers episode and then throw in a line or two that a ten year old might find compelling and fascinating.
And Zack Snyder is a MILLIONAIRE because of this. People are really PAYING to see his movies.
Yeah, so THIS qualifies him to be directing the re-launch of the Superman franchise? Really? The world’s first and greatest Superhero gets an already unnecessary reboot in the hands of Zack Snyder, the man who could neither achieve intelligent dialogue in his other comic book adaptations nor manage to direct his English Actors to achieve a successful or consistent American Accent?
Does that REALLY matter with MAN OF STEEL? Well, you know, it might, considering the fact that he’s hired a British Guy to play Superman. That’s not to mention the hiring of his LEAST American-sounding "actor" from WATCHMEN to poorly act along the same sets. Holy shit! My main prayer is that it will feel even vaguely like a Superman movie and not like an extended rendition of “Jolly Holiday” from Mary Poppins.
Following the comic book’s deletion of the whole “Underwear on the Outside” thing, Snyder’s approved Super Costume is likewise all-blue… but instead of continuing with the ridiculous (if somewhat cool-looking) Kryptonian Armor, Henry Cavill, the miscast actor playing Superman looks like he’s wearing a set of bulky, unwashed winter pajamas with inexplicable rubber trim and his favorite blankie hanging off of his back. Folks, it is IMPOSSIBLE to take this "Superman Costume" seriously. I've seen better and more accurate off-the-rack Halloween Superman Costumes!
And that’s just the tip of the travesty iceberg here.
Yeah, I know, I know, I shouldn’t dis a movie that hasn’t even come out yet. I could be surprised all over again, right? Give it a chance… Sure. But there’s such a thing as track record and statistics… Is it possible for Republicans to suddenly care about social issues and tax equality? Should I have an open mind about that? Sure… in theory, it’s possible, but I’m not holding my breath…
Similarly… Zack Snyder could turn around and create a good comic book movie that someone who has actually READ a comic book might call “accurate”… Yeah, he might. That’s possible.
And elephants might fly out of my fucking ear.
9. Julian Assange and the new, HILARIOUS double standards of WikiLeaks:
No, the coveted spot that has been a TRADITION on the Worst list since 2009 (there wasn't a ninth entry before then) goes to the latest crap from "The WikiLeaks Douche"!
Why? See, the world seems to be divided on Julian Assange and the WikiLeaks organization on the whole. You see, Assange believes in "Open Government" and in holding the Governments of the world accountable for what they say and do publically and privately. Wow... that sounds pretty noble, right? Until you realize his Releasing of Diplomatic Cables actually stood to endanger the lives of the world's citizens. While its intended affect didn't quite hit the mark, WikiLeaks did, in fact, help catalyze The Arab Spring. (Assange has been quoted as saying "oops".)
In 2011, however, more info about Mister "Please Pay Attention To Me, I've got a Cool Website" (and I don't mean me... this website is NOT "cool") has surfaced this year that has tipped the ever-lovin' scales to the Dark Dork Side, even for those who once called him a Hero.
What, do I mean the allegations of Sexual Assault? Oh, come on... that is SO 2010. Besides, everybody's doing that now... Hell, if Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the fucking Managing Director of the fucking International Monetary Fund is doing it, anybody can, right? (Sarcasm, Mine!)
Besides, what else can Captain Ass-Ange do? Hasn't he been under loser house arrest with an electronic anklet that tracks his movements? Oh, sure, that's just "THE MAN" keeping him down.
Here's where it gets funny as... as FUCK. Julian Assange, champion of open governance, political activist, Scientology pisser-onner, closet Justin Beiber Fan Club Chapter President, Champion of the Free Press, Cheelreader of Investigative Journalism, anti-Censorship Icon and Freedom of Information Paragon... entered into a bitter battle with a publisher to keep them from... publishing his unauthorized documents.
No, I am NOT shitting you... You see, it's okay when HE does it to others, but when someone does it to him, he cries BULLSHIT!
Look at this asshole! He literally signs a deal with a publisher for his Autobiography, they pay him ONE MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS for it and they ship it to stores in 2011. Assange is FURIOUS, whining about the fact that he "own[s] the copyright of the manuscript" and says that the publisher "has acted in breach of contract, in breach of my creative rights and in breach of personal assurances" by "publishing this draft against my wishes".
The man who built his career and notoriety on computer hacking and publishing the private documents shat an actual brick when... the same fucking thing happened to him. Oh, you poor little victim, you!
Could he possibly be missing his own point MORE? How about the fact that he called the title Julian Assange: The Unauthorised Autobiography "a contradiction in terms"? Duh. You THINK, Julie? I mean... there is no fucking WAY that that's the point, is there you fucking double-standard flipping dumbshit. I mean, honestly, would you have bothered publishing confidential data if the actual owners of said documents authorized you to do so? No you wouldn't, you Fuck! The unauthorized nature and illegality of it is exactly why you did it. So forgive the world at large for not crying with you when "Bank of America, Visa, MasterCard, PayPal, and Western Union folded to US pressure by arbitrarily and unlawfully cutting WikiLeaks off of its financial lifeline", forcing him... to sign a deal for his autobiography which he now longs to block. I'm sorry, did you say "Unlawfully"? Surely not... You can't possibly be that Myopic.
Yes, it seems the computer hacker, whistle-blower, information thief, Beiber fanatic and confidential document spreader doesn't like it when the same shit happens to him. How did he put it? "The events surrounding its unauthorised publication by Canongate are not about freedom of information — they are about old-fashioned opportunism and duplicity—screwing people over to make a buck."
Translation: "Don't you people get it? It's OK when I do it! It's just not okay when it happens to ME!"
I know, I know, I know, "it's different" and "you don't get it" all of those "activists" who are mostly pampered white guys with iMacs their parents bought them are yelling at their screens. Don't I get it? Pay attention, you idiots. I don't give two shits if someone is a Hero to the People... if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander.
The second some wannabe "Cyber Robin Hood" decides he can't play by his own rule-breaking rules, he immediately stops being a hero and starts being a little whiner with double standards and a series of stupid-looking haircuts.
For those of you who are STILL CONVINCED that after all of his "adventures" even this doesn't make Julie AssMassage into a whiny little douche-bag with a double standard, then how about this latest tidbit of news? Julian Assange has now finalized a deal (the talks for which began in 2011) to host a new TV show of his VERY OWN... On STATE RUN, KREMLIN-OWNED RT TV NEWTWORK, aka "Russia Today". That's right! Julian Assange, government CRITIC is now on the payroll of the fucking Kremlin.
But, no, no, no, he's not only in all this for the money! He's a HERO, isn't he?
A COMEDY Hero, maybe! Holy fucking shit. Fuck you, Assnage!
10. A sequel to Human Centipede was made and people are willingly paying to see shit like that:
In all honesty, I feel like shit for even giving small publicity to this fucked up slice of shit.
Really? One film depicting people being force-fed human shit wasn't too much? We really needed to get The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence?
Good God, people, the one fucking vaguely intelligent thing about the first shit storm of a film was that it ACTUALLY DEPICTED a European force-feeding human shit to Americans... in a shitty European film that a shitty European shoved down the collective throats of Americans! Did you people NOT GET THE FUCKING METAPHOR? You're really paying to have professional European fuckstick Tom Six force-feed you what he just shat out AGAIN?
To illustrate this better, this would be as if someone made a movie about force-feeding shit to Americans and them paying to... oh, wait... there is no better illustration for this... It is exactly as nightmarish as the worst case scenario. Holy fucking SHIT!
It's bad enough that the viewing public kept the increasingly declining SAW series going long after it stopped making sense, having any internal logic, scares, urgency or intelligence, but to turn a one-off joke about LITERALLY SUCKING ASS into a franchise is beyond me.
This might make SOME sense if the films, at least, lived up to the premise of being scary.
This can't be the real fucking world, man. Zack Snyder is being given increasingly higher budgeted and higher profile deals, DC Comics is now a craptastic joke, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are not only relevant enough to be IN the news but are serious contenders for THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES, Charlie Sheen has become a real-world parody of his character in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Jay Leno is gets rewarded for being terrible, Crap is King and the Social Critics quickly get bankrolled by Big Government... and Tom Six is somehow making movies instead of begging for quarters by the 7-11 Dumpster.
People, PLEASE... The mission statement is clear... in order to have SOMEONE pay attention to him, Tom Six is creating movies LITERALLY ABOUT A EUROPEAN FORCE-FEEDING HUMAN FECES DOWN THE THROATS OF AMERICANS... just like he's actually doing with his fucking movies... and you're paying for it. This isn't scary, there is no excitement, thrills, chills or anything else... it's just boredom and mild disgust... and he's profiting from this. Wake Up and Avoid this Horse Shit, people. On your WORST day you deserve better than this!
11. Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg's war on personal privacy and the Lame-Ass New TIMELINE:
I realize this whole list is starting to make me look like an old-ass fuddy-duddy and I don't GIVE TWO SHITS... there's something to say about actual privacy and consistency in protection thereof... not that most people even care.
True story... around my birthday, tons of people sent me personal Facebook messages... and each one included either a criticism of or confusion over the fact that I don't have a public "Wall" to post on. Oh, I used to... Until people started posting anything they wanted any time they wanted... and then other people started complaining about what other people said and then people started actually arguing on my wall. And I was expected to take sides, man!
Next true story? I used to engage in these very conversations... until "friends" later read every single exchange and began to ask me about years after the fact.
But somehow, in spite of these facts, the current culture dictates that everything must be public and that there must be something wrong with someone who wants to keep certain things private, man. Nobody gets how someone would DARE not have a "Wall"... I mean... that's for EVERYONE... we should be able to post Panda Porn on everyone else's page if we want to.
How did this slice of horseshit start? Reality TV? The desire for everyone to have their own forum... even and especially if you're one of those people nobody fucking listens to. (By the way if you read that last line and said "Yeah, one of those people like YOU!", might I remind you that you did read that last line... and are reading this one.)
The real deal is that it is officially socially unacceptable to have any privacy in your online life. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has famously stated that if he were to start Facebook now, all information would be public, not private. His chilling quote is "doing a privacy change for 350 million users is not the kind of thing that a lot of companies would do. But we viewed that as a really important thing, to always keep a beginner's mind and what would we do if we were starting the company now and we decided that these would be the social norms now..."
Did I read that right? Smudge Suckerberg is saying that he and his lackeys HAD to make all of our information public because SOCIETY DEMANDED IT? So, what he's saying is that between when he started Facebook in a dorm and now, people stopped caring about Privacy?
By the way, that quote is in response to changes they made in late 2009 and early 2010... this isn't anything new... but it is constantly evolving, considering the fact that this is one of the few changes that has caused outrage. See, my privacy settings USED to dictate that no other user could even comment on what I posted on my OWN page... that, too, changed in 2011... overnight. My warning was the fact that I started getting notices of people commenting.
And now the next dimension of Facebook Fuckery has popped up... in the form of the ridiculous new "Timeline" which users are eating the fuck up like it's coated in sugar and baked with love. The Timeline now exposes EVERYTHING... that has EVER... happened in your Facebook life. And EVERYONE is being switched to this... just as Privacy settings are getting MORE confusing and HARDER to change. With the integration of other programs, such as Spotify and the Zynga Games, everyone gets to find out what music we're listening to and what games we're playing when we're playing it... thanks to the fucking Facebook Timeline!
Got that one Guilty Pleasure? You know, we all have them. I know, you've got your Metallica, Led Zep, Rush... and hiding somewhere in the playlist are a few Rick Astley songs! Or you... There, you've got your Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Tammy Wynette... and the best of Ricky Martin, right? Don't deny it... we've all got our Guilty Pleasures, it's okay! I mean, I don't, but I know you do. Guess what? Listen to that through Spotify and the next time you log in to your Timeline, you'll find a FUCKLOAD of comments from all your friends laughing at the fact that you're dancing around in a Towel and Rollers singing "Never gonna Give You Up!" Yes... ALL Thanks to the TIMELINE, folks.
Didn't smilin' Mark Zuckerberg recently say that Privacy as we know it is a Thing of the Past?
Starting to come into focus for you people?
A little bothersome isnt' it? Sure, we've got nothing to hide... not a thing... Until there's just that ONE little thing you either didn't want everyone in the world to know about or didn't want your friends to be MESSING WITH YOU ABOUT. Why is it dangerous to have everything you've ever posted or been tagged in visible in one place for life? Ever made a drunk post? I have. Ever made a drunk comment? I have.
Better yet... can you think of ANYTHING that you USED to like a lot and can't, for the life of you, remember why the hell you ever used to tolerate it? Is it really THAT bad? Let's look at History for a moment, okay? Say, oh, about 20 years ago... how many of us were big O.J. Simpson Fans? A lot. How many, had online social networks existed then, have posted "O.J. is god." or "Tanya Harding is an Angel!" or "Bill Clinton has got to be the Greatest Husband in History!" or "George W. Bush is a GREAT President!"?
A lot of us.
How many people or things are we fans of NOW that will be total shit ideas before long? Guess what? The Timeline will PRESERVE those inadvertent Errors just for you... and your friends to laugh at.
See, it's not about what we want to HIDE... It's about what we don't want posted in perpetuity. And, yes, I AM looking at everyone who has posted something like "I have never loved ANYONE as much as I love [YouKnowWho] and I never will and I WANT TO TELL THE WORLD!" Guess what? When your status goes from Single to "Married to Somebody TOTALLY DIFFERENT", that statement about your former love is just a few mouse wheel rolls away.
Yeah, it happens. Our tastes change, our ideas change... we're allowed to... without being CONFRONTED by it later on. And not wanting something thrown in your face in three years is not the same thing as having something to hide. It means we should be able to control these things.
So why is it that Zuckerberg and his Ilk are pushing so incredibly hard to not only end "The Age of Privacy" as we know it, but also to have us willingly and happily sign off on this privacy foreclosure?
Easy. Money. Easy money.
See, when everything is public, Facebook (and everyone else) knows what we like. Better yet, they know what our FRIENDS like (you know, because they click "like" on things when they visit our pages. That way they can TARGET advertisements straight to these same friends... because they know they visit your Wall... where the ADS ARE!!! The more they can change Privacy settings and make it harder to change them back, the more ads they can sell and the RICHER Mark Zuckerberg gets.
Look at it like this... Facebook has given us all Chastity Belts with which to cover up everything we consider Private... then they give out X-Ray Specs to all of their other users and all of their advertisers. Hence, while friends and strangers are gazing straight up at all of our Private Parts, Mark Zuckerberg is laughing all the way to the Bank.
But wait! That's a Facebook Icon on this very page, isn't it? Of course it is. Yes, I'm still using it. Facebook's a great thing... the problem is the ritualistic changing of established privacy settings just as they act like this is totally called for and not at all just about the money. Most of these changes not only happen without our control but also without any significant notice... not for better service, but to make Facebook richer (in the year 2011 they made about four BILLION dollars, so you can see why they'd be desperate for dollars, right?)!
Zucky, of course, says he doesn't pay much attention to the money (bullshit). He created it to help people communicate. This... is a lie. He created it as a "Hot Or Not" list that encouraged fellow Harvard students to judge female students about how attractive they are. Yeah, he's a real prince. And if it was about communication and not money... then why can't I block off my wall anymore?
Mark Zuckerberg acts like this sweet little kid next door, but he's really no different from the dick weeds in the above several entries... Leno, Six, Sheen, Snyder, Assange... they all do whatever they can to make money... they're all reaching for their piles of more and more green. Don't we all? Well, ask yourself this question: What do you really know about Mark Zuckerberg personally and privately? Because I guarantee, as famous as he now is, you don't know nearly as much about him as he knows about you (or could easily find out). And that's the way he wants it. He wants his Privacy... but he also wants yours.
The Anthony Weiner wiener scandal, Scientology, the fact that Scream 4 Flopped, Ryan Reynolds, the "Occupy" Pepper-Spray incident, WorldsGreatestCritic.com, Simon Pegg playing second fiddle to the vastly inferior Tom Cruise in the latest rehash of Mission Impossible, the European Debt Crisis, Dominique Strauss-Kahn and Harold Camping and the End-of-the World SCHMUCKS!
Everybody knows the world ends in 2012. Hello, people! Mayans knew Everything, right?
Sock it to THEM!!
The 2011 Remembrance is continued from the FLIP side that was...
and will continue in the Weird and Unexplainable...
Coming very soon... Same Bat Website!
Did you touch the Third Bell of the Hell of 2011?