The December Work-FreeDays are upon us. December is a time when we come together with family and friends to illustrate our frustrations with the government and the rich while consuming mass quantities of fermented beverages. At the same time, we may experience increased pressure from the fact that we all have to go back to work once this Ka-Ka is all over, not to mention the fact that relatives you never liked want to freeload off of you on your couch, stinking up the place, in exchange for the “Gift” of their presence as well as the Coupon for McDonald’s and the frozen crab claws they’ve brought for you in spite of the fact thatyou’re a VEGETARIAN! Without careful planning, flexibility, enough malt liquids to anesthetize an Indian Bull Elephant and a positive fucking attitude, the activities and demands of this season can overwhelm us and detract from the “enjoyment” of the season.
- Remind yourself over and over that your Mother-In-Law only visits once per year and that an outburst might result in the offending of your spouse, your divorce and the garnishment of half your paycheck! Be realistic about your commitments to yourself and your family, and keep in mind that this state supports the death penalty for many of the violent crimes that might cross your mind.
- Make holiday child care arrangements for school-age children. No one needs their kids seeing them drunk and angry around the Holidays, and no one wants a winter-rerun of the whole “You know what I REALLY think of the Easter Bunny” incident from last spring!
- Plan special times to come together with family and friends at area taverns or other public places. That way you can always sneak out the back to the relative privacy of the local dive bar. It might smell bad, not have working toilets and cater to the homeless in ways that soup kitchens legally can’t, but at least your Dad won’t be there asking why you can’t be more like your younger brother while your Mother insists that she thinks “you’ve had enough with that last pitcher!”
- Review your traditions. If they are no longer meaningful and enjoyable, create new traditions in spite of the fact that by doing so you’re throwing away the last wishes of your Grandparents whose only dying hope was that you keep their traditions alive! Is a trip to Spoons for Cheese Fries with Tabasco Sauce as spiritual as unleavened bread before a Nativity scene? No, but at Spoons they have really good Beer on tap! Sorry Nanny and Pappaw!
- Avoid the holiday shopping crowds by using excuses like “Oh, I used a Catalogue or an online shopping source for your gift, and it didn’t come in yet!” That way you can visit post-holiday closeouts to get the gifts everyone else returned at “Rock Bottom Prices.” Don’t forget that when you give Uncle Charlie his book on the pre-Bush Administration Colon Powell on January the thirtieth you need to mumble “Fucking Amazon.com” under your breath to complete the illusion.
- Re-evaluate your holiday greeting list. If you send greeting cards to people you would prefer not to hear from, see, or smell you can bet that they’ll be expecting to freeload next year which leads to more drinking and fighting and then there’s the crying and the emergency room. Best to tell Aunt Petunia that you just lost her address! I mean, that woman can EAT!
- Maintain your normal family routine as much as you possibly can while inebriated on single malt. Stick to your exercise schedule which, for you, is walking to the can and lifting the remote and make sure you get sufficient sleep…. Just passing out doesn’t count!
- Develop a realistic budget for both gift giving and Liquor. Once the necessary budget is exceeded, dip into the “Gift-Giving” budget. You’ll thank me!
- When you’re feeling overwhelmed, be particularly mindful of “Freudian Slips.” For example, when asking for the salt, make damned sure you say “Please pass the salt, dear.” rather than the tip-of-the-tongue knee-jerk Freudian Slip “You ruined my fucking life, you emasculating shrew! Give me back my balls!”
- Build relaxation time into your schedule. Naturally this must be preceded by making sure no one finds your “stash!” If Cousin Eddie happens to look under the bathroom sink behind the sewing kit and finds the tall glass bottle of Amber liquid with the Horsie on the label, he is sure to drink it all, making relaxation, for you, an impossibility.
J.C. Maçek III is onyour side when it comes to making it through the holidays alive, if pickled
Alcohol…the Anti-Drug!