Basic Instinct 2 (2006)
AKA: Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction
(Release Date: March 30, 2006)

She was the Fv#k of the Century, but that century's over!

J.C. Mašek III
The World's Greatest Critic!

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Basic Instinct 2
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Basic Instinct
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The first time I heard of the original Basic Instinct was one night I was putting in the hours at my greasy fast food joint I was employed by during the year I was working on my psychiatric dissertation which has been published in... it was during my senior year in High School. A regular (amazingly not hugely fat and covered in zits) came in asking if we'd heard about Basic Instinct, and how it's supposed to "show" more than any other R Rated Movie dared to show up until then, and how it was to star Michael Douglas and that she hoped it was him they showed. My manager said "Uh-Huh, Girl, M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M !" and then he told me to clean the cinnamon roll case.

Yeah, we all watched it, we all loved it. Sharon Stone got some kind of naked in that flick, which more than made up for the overall mediocre plot. The phrase "The Fuck of the Century" was used so much that we speculated they were trying to get it printed on Tee-Shirts and Bumper Stickers. Naturally, we believed it, and most of us imagined it frequently (that's a whole different article). However, that was 1992, this is 2006.

In short... that was a different Century.

Stone has been gathering moss lately, and the roles she's best known for this century have been playing herself on sitcoms. The highest profile feature release she's been a part of in recent memory was 2004's Catwoman, which, to date, I haven't seen... and I'm a Comic Book FREAK! So, just like Arnie made Terminator 3, and Sly is looking at both Rocky VI and Rambo IV (No, I'm not kidding about either), it's time for Sharon Stone to return to proven, naked ground.

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However, judging from the opening weekend numbers, she might as well have returned to make King Solomon's Mines III: The Revenge of Jesse Huston! Ladies and Germs, I give you Basic Instinct 2, a definite step down from the original. Now, take note, as hot as Basic Instinct really was, it wasn't that great of a movie. Doubt me? Watch it again... I just did. As for the sequel, it would be easy to go with the obvious and say "Basicly It Stinks Too" (I like that, so I will), but in truth, this flick makes the original look like Gone With The Wind... but, you know, with... with Boobs! Uh-Huh, Girl, M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M !

In this ass splinter, Catherine "Woolfe" Tramell (Stone) is back, still sexy (though much more plastic than before), and still more of a death sentence for her dates than a prescription for Phen Phen. Yes, she's also still writing bestselling books that match her deadly reality so perfectly it SHOULD make one wonder. Naturally, because this all takes place in London (and in England they still care if Celebrities commit murder) she attracts the attention of Scotland Yard. She's very attractive, yes. Soon a police psychologist named Michael Glass (David [not Steven Patrick] Morrissey) is looking at her for more reasons than one, and because he's almost, but not quite, as sexy as Booger from Revenge of the Nerds 2, she starts lustfully looking back.

Soon people surrounding him start dying in graphic ways, and Catherine's a suspect. So is Glass, and just about everyone else surrounding them. No one from Charlotte Rampling to Hugh Dancy to Indira Varma is safe, so very soon Scotland Yard detective Roy Washburn (David Thewlis) is closely following the mystery. Of course the REAL mystery is why the hell a great actor like David Thewlis would agree to be in a piece of crap like this.

The script by Leora Barish and Henry Bean occasionally shows flashes of vaguely interesting ideas... but they shove these raisins too deep into the sourdough that is this ridiculously half-baked plot, that is almost as well linked together as the events in Zombi 2 through Zombie 5! For as smart as this waste of two hours is, you'd think this was directed by someone fresh out of a helming stint with The Asylum, but no, Michael Caton-Jones, the director of Rob Roy was shackled to this horse wang. Did he agree to do this because of what Sharon was Sharin'? I wonder... They had plenty of trouble casting the "Male Lead", causing production setback after production setback... which is weird because you wouldn't think it'd be that hard to convince someone to get naked with Sharon Stone and get paid for it.

Yeah, she still looks pretty fantastic, even though we don't believe her for a second. Every step of the way, Sharon's Stoned because of various drugs, and acts that way in her delivery. Everything feels like a constant attempt to be sexy and dangerous. This felt like one of the many, many comedy spoofs of Basic Instinct than a real sequel. But, yes, she does get naked, though not as naked or for as long as before (to be fair, she is Forty-Eight years old, and probably needs to take more frequent breaks). She hardly looks forty-eight, though. Sharon's toned to the point that she's obviously been working out, and while her breasts are obviously fake now (the nipples are pointed skyward like the Seattle Space Needle) they still look pretty wonderful. That's even when put in the same frame with David Morrissey, who is every bit as smooth, suave and classy as "Lumpy" from Leave It To Beaver!

Speaking of "beaver", there is no "Gratuitous Beaver Shot" in this stupid movie. Oh, she sits cross legged in every scene with a chair, causing us all to lean forward in OURS, but it doesn't happen. Maybe in the Unrated European Release. Bated Breath!

The Nudity is pretty much the one redeeming quality in an overall terrible movie! While the un-Morrissey is Sharin' Bone with Sharon Stone, Sharon's Sharin' something much hotter. Most of the audience consisted of people older than me, who remember watching the original in its first release and even they spent most of the movie laughing at the inane dialogue, improbable situations and incredibly derivative and I-don't-think-so disconnected logic. So was I, Especially at the ending that was tantamount to Caton-Jones shouting "I HEREBY INSULT YOUR INTELLIGENCE, GO HOME, BITCHES!"

Two Stupid Stars out of Five for Basic Instinct 2. It's not even a let-down, considering the fact that this is yet another sequel that almost seventy people were demanding. So, why not an absolute DOG? Well, it could be the fact that even at the age of Thirty-One and a Half, I still can't resist Sharon Stone naked (even at Forty-Eight and a half). Or it could be the fact that last week I witnessed a film SO bad that nothing else could possibly come close, even when viewed through the DVD player of Satan Himself. I won't be mentioning the name of that movie for fear of circumstantial publicity! However, I do want Sharon Stone to get nude as many times as possible before she's just too old for us to really want that to happen again, so I'm satisfied to end this review with the following: BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2 BASIC INSTINCT 2! It sucks, but there's no such thing as bad publicity. I'm gonna go see what my wife's up to!

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Basic Instinct 2 unbelievably reviewed by J.C. Mašek III who, like Basic Instinct 2, is a Sequel that isn't as good as the original.
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