This is all saying an awful (and in this case, I do mean "awful") lot, because Love Camp 7 is a nefarious slice of whale poo that sucks the wax out of the collective ears of grindhouse rejects on at least three continents (so far). What's worse, this prom night blemish, which is as comfortable to sit through as a televised gallbladder surgery, is rumored to have started the whole "Nazisploitation" subgenre of Exploitation flicks, which this reviewer hates.
That's actually kind of funny, considering what gets credit. It's kind of like ol' Umberto taking credit for starting the whole Cannibal Exploitation genre. Kids, the flick that kicks off the Nazisploitation or Cannibal Exploitation movements is hardly something to brag about, man!
In all honesty, it's hard to imagine that director Lee Frost and writers Wes Bishop and Bob Cresse were trying to start much of anything. It looks like they were all trying to make a quick buck, using the exploitation techniques they could manage to do so. Virtually everyone in the cast and crew was involved a lot or a little in either porn or soft core porn of the day. In essence, Love Camp 7 looks a lot like a porn flick from 1969. They stab at a plot (which porn flicks did back then) and line the cheap sets with naked women. I really wasn't offended by that. Offense, however, is all over Love Camp 7!
We begin in (then) present day London as some English douche is recounting a story he admits to loving to tell to some Texan douche about his involvement in the allied victory in World War II. If this movie is to be taken even remotely seriously, allied victory is directly related to what went on in a certain brothel/ rape camp set up for Nazi soldiers on the front line.
Yes, once again we experience three words that should never be in a sentence together: Nazis Getting Laid!
But apparently one of the "Whores for the Third Reich" (Note: NOT my words) named Martha Grossman (I'd tell you who plays her, but the credits are scarcely specific in any way) holds the key information to a new jet engine that the allies must have. Sounds like Firefox, but with nudity and... no good actors!
To that end, a room full of Allied perverts with high ranks and libidos cook up the plot to find out all about that stupid technology. They find two of the hottest W.A.C. officers (who have well-trained photographic memories) and sends them into the heart of occupied France to... get completely naked and submit to the pervo will of a bunch of crap bag German officers while Lee Frost films it all. Oh, and if they run into the naked Dr. Grossman, all the better.
The casting couch sure picked the right ones, though. Maria Lease is one of the two chicks, the hottie with the short hair whose character name was Linda Harmon or Harland or Harlan... again... the credits sucked, I had to go with my audio impression. Kathy Williams is the other of the two chicks, the one with the long hair whose name was Grace Freeman... or was it Friedman? Hell, I don't know. I just know that Williams was a cover girl on a few nudie magazines, along with being an actress in fifteen nudie movies (including this one). Lease, on the other hand, was in nine nudie movies, then moved on to become a writer, editor and even director. Interestingly enough, she is a script supervisor for various movies and TV shows these days... some of which you've even seen... like Boston Legal, The Practice, the pilot of MacGyver and even Hill Street Blues and St. Elsewhere. But then again, she was also the script supervisor on Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace!
Okay, I'll be nice!
Both of these women are really quite attractive, which is good because after a few minutes they're almost constantly naked from every direction. Now, before you say something drastic let's be iconoclastic and roll on back to the late sixties (hardly the Jurassic), when what was deemed to be fantastic was more classic than plastic. In short... there's a classic and natural beauty here, and I for one, really enjoyed it.
The film itself, though? I really hated it, just like any old Nazisploitation Sexploitation piece of trash whether it made the Video Nasty list or not! Speaking of which, this is one of those films that they've really tried to get off the list, so that it's no longer Banned in the UK. However, back in 2002 the BBFC essentially said "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell No!" (or the British equivalent thereof). But in defense of the censors, they did explain just why:
I think that says it all! Folks, I'm still nowhere near being pro-censorship, but if the British Board of Film Classification has analyzed this film quite that closely, that should at the least inform the decision of the discriminating American consumer who might find themselves watching this thing.
I, for one, plan to analyze this film at least as closely... well, at least one or two parts, which I think I'll need to see a few hundred ti-
No! No, that's wrong! This is not only a misogynistic, exploitative film aimed toward guys you wouldn't want to be around even on a zillion-dollar bet, but it's also nearly completely plot-free and an exercise in futile film-making, the likes of which serves only to depress an overall artistic medium and teaches us nothing worth noting about the truth concerning one part of history we can't afford to not learn about.
But Censorship is wrong, and at the least un-American. And to be fair, it's vastly better than Gestapo's Last Orgy and at least in this film the men keep their pants on! That's right, no man ass! No man ass, even from the really nasty Commandant (Bob Cresse, who clearly wrote himself the part that gets to touch the most naked breasts)! And, really, this isn't much of a "Nazi" movie, it's more of a soft-core porn that has just the right amount of "oh no you di'in't" moments to both give it a lame shot at legitimacy (at least in a grindhouse kind of way) and get it banned in England at the same time! And there was that Lesbian Sex Orgy that...
NO! No, I will not fall prey to or play their exploitation games and even get into this. They were forced to perform for a Nazi Douche, which makes me sick, sick, sick!
But if he hadn't been there...
NO! No! Oh, man, my Feminist Credentials with NOW are shot. Why'd they have to do this with Nazis? Why'd they have to make such a nasty video! Didn't they know it would be Banned as a Video Nasty? Kathy, Maria, you deserve better! Really! You deserve much, much better!
Maybe if they re-edited it to take out all the violence and Nazi dickweeds and just had the women in every scene we'd have sort of a sexy summer vacation with the...
NO! NO! NO! Oh, crap, I am going to Hell now! They'll never let me keep teaching Sunday School. Oh, why don't I get my Backspace key fixed?
Okay, let's focus on the bad. Women being tortured. Not hot! Women being raped. Not hot. Women being humiliated for the titillation of men! Not hot. Women performing sexually for the selfish pleasure of nasty men (including me). Definitely not hot.
Maybe just a re-cut... maybe... a quick re-edit where we focus on...
Folks, I'm sorry. I'm better than this. Any way you slice it, Love Camp 7 gets Negative 7 Stars. Hell, I wish I could go that low, but that would fuck the scale all up! So, instead, it gets Zero Stars out of Five! That's right, Love Camp 7 is a DOG! Maria Lease-Cady, I'm glad you've done so well with your life. It shows that you were always an intelligent, strong, beautiful woman worthy of all of our collective respect! I hate Nazis, I never want to see anything with Nazis Getting laid ever, ever, ever again! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to Confession now. Then on the way home... I'm going to buy myself a copy of Final Cut Pro.
See you in the next reel, Maria.
These damned reviews... I mean, I write 'em, and an hour later I'm hungry again!
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